Unmasking the imposter: From you’re only here because… to you belong here

Helene Arbouet Harte
I used to have imposter syndrome. It was self-diagnosed. It came up in graduate school and in academia. I was told it was normal for someone like me. In my Ivy League undergraduate school, I am not sure there was a word for it. It occurred to me I didn’t belong in other ways. There was the wealthy classmate with the red sports car and the license plate that read “Flew by You,” like out of an 80s film here in real life and seemingly representative of many around me. It was working in the dining halls at least 20 hours a week when it seemed others did not work. As  a first generation American I didn’t have the same foods or culture as peers. My parents spoke languages other than English. My mom is from Panama and her first language is Spanish. My father is from Haiti and his first languages are Haitian Creole and French. I understood some but never learned to speak. Somehow being bilingual or trilingual was a deficit. That was not the goal. Assimilate before it’s too late. The push was to fit in, but I  never quite fit anywhere. In college in my African American studies classes the Blacker than thou students let me know I was not Black enough. In a group of White students, a discussion ensued about SAT scores. “What did you get?” Some had perfect scores. It came to me, and someone cut me off. Yours doesn’t matter we know why you’re here. Affirmative action was the assumption. Though many of them were born on third base, they were under the impression they hit a home run. To them I had a perceived unfair advantage. I was not like them. I was an imposter. Perhaps that planted a seed. Recently I have appreciated the works of others asking the question – is it imposter syndrome or is it internalized racism or systemic bias that is intended to keep you in your place (Subramanian, 2022; Tulshyan & Burey, 2021). Changing the culture and making it inclusive is rather than essentially blaming the individual should be the goal.

As I reflect on how I came  to be in leadership roles I realize the path is sisterhood. It was mentors, colleagues, friends, who said,  “You can do this. You’re  a good leader. You have a voice.”  Sisterhood may be the cure for imposter syndrome. “Overall women in our society are forgetting the value and power of sisterhood. Renewed feminist movement must once again raise the banner high to proclaim anew ‘Sisterhood is powerful.’ ”(hooks, 2014, p.17).  The adage “lift as you climb” comes to mind.
 The adage “lift as you climb” comes to mind. I have three degrees and have been promoted to the highest rank in my institution. I have that notion you have to work twice as hard to get half as far ingrained in me both as a Black woman in America and as a first generation American. It turns out when I was being othered, discounted and dismissed there was also often someone nearby lifting me up. The hard work matters, but knowing meritocracy is a myth (Mijs, 2016), and hard work isn’t enough, I now recognize in every instance when I was told I did belong it was my “sisters” who asserted this and encouraged me. You belong here, she said. You should apply for that they said. One day “you belong here” became louder than “you’re only here because.” The imposter was unmasked. The imposter was keeping me down, projecting their own insecurities and fears. The true imposter wears the mask hiding behind it, blaming others, and creating a system where those others wonder if maybe they don’t belong.  

The imposter is the villain in the Scooby Doo mysteries who was deceiving everyone all along. The imposter may be hiding behind a literal mask, or the mask of protecting the status quo that benefits them. I am no  longer trying to fit in. I am trying to be part of changing the culture. In this next season of my life, I am embracing the messiness. I am relearning my languages. I am reclaiming those pieces of myself that were chipped away. To those women who came before me, on whose shoulders I stand I am grateful. To those sisters in every season of my life who lifted me up and continue to do so I am grateful. I have a great deal to learn and am a lifelong learner. I am a work in progress and will never be finished. I may have self-doubt as part of learning, but I am no imposter. I belong here. If you’re reading this, you do too.
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“Sometimes people try to destroy you, precisely because they recognize your power — not because they don’t see it, but because they see it and they don’t want it to exist.”
― bell hooks

References
hooks, b (2014). Feminism is for everybody: Passionate politics. Routledge.
https://doi.org/10.4324/9781315743189
Mijs, J. (2016). The unfulfillable promise of meritocracy: Three lessons and their implications               for justice in education. Social Justice Research, 29(1), 14–34. https://doi-              org.uc.idm.oclc.org/10.1007/s11211-014-0228-0
Subramanian, T. (2022, Jul 21). A point of view: Are you really an “imposter,” or is it just
meritocracy at work? the problem with “imposter syndrome.” The inclusion solution.
https://www.theinclusionsolution.me/a-point-of-view-are-you-really-an-imposter-or-is-it-just-meritocracy-at-work-the-problem-with-imposter-syndrome/
Tulshyan, R.  & Burey, JA (2021, February 11). Stop telling women they have imposter
syndrome. Harvard Business Review. https://hbr.org/2021/02/stop-telling-women-they-have-imposter-syndrome